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wish-TB

Worry

Posted on 2010.10.19 at 07:36
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When I look at the past few years something in the pit of my stomach churns. Most of my life I was not an unhealthy person and for the first six years of teaching I was just like anyone else. The past three have been a rather destructive force health wise and I'm not sure what changed. I've been poked and prodded I don't know how many times and every doctor seems to have a different idea of what cause this ailment or that, but none of them seem able to tell me why any of this is happening; just that I am sick yet again.

I've looked up information on autoimmune diseases/disorders and I don't think I fit the criteria; any cuts or scrapes heal normally, I don't run fevers, and my body is not overtly attacking itself. I had a tumor, but it was removed and benign. About the only thing I see is that I can't take most medicines due to allergic reactions and even when I do it still takes longer for the infection to clear up. Mostly I just get sick what feels like constantly and when I get sick the severity of it is much worse. To go from using three sick days a year to struggling to keep it within ten is a little disconcerting.

I wash my hands all the time and make sure not to touch my mouth, nose, or eyes until I can wash them. I try not to touch the kids' hands, which is difficult in my line of work but I do my best. I am eating better and taking care of myself, even losing weight, so why is my health declining? I don't know what to do and it bothers me.

I'm looking at another set of blood work that will probably prove to be low but within normal limits. I just don't understand and I don't know what to do to improve the situation. It's making me concerned that there is some underlying problem, maybe some infection that never got cleared up completely, but I keep thinking that would show up somewhere. Many of the illnesses have be respiratory infections, but I don't have asthma or allergies. I don't fit the criteria for any illness I can find but it seems like nothing I do changes anything; I keep getting sick.

My family thinks it's at least partially my job; constantly in different buildings with different sets of illnesses in my classes, in buildings that are old and perhaps have mold or mildew that could agitate things, the amount of stress and overworked-ness that comes with my job, financial stress, etc. But how is this that different from any other job? If I don't teach, what else would I do? This is my career and I want to be teaching my students. I'm starting to feel I need to live in my apartment and rarely come out of it. I don't even attend most social functions because I am either sick or afraid I will be around someone who is.

I feel like I'm a horrible teacher and I'm not able to give the kids what they need and deserve and that bothers me the most. In the back of my mind is the fear that something is really wrong and the doctors just haven't found it yet, but usually I can keep that in check by logically looking at what symptoms I do not fit. More than anything I'm getting so tired...I could literally sleep day and night. I'm tired of pushing and fighting and I hate myself for that. I just want my health to be the way it was a few years ago...I don't understand.

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