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wish-TB

Not Really A Surprise

Posted on 2010.10.14 at 00:16
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For some reason I am thinking too much today. Perhaps it's because I'm not accustomed to being this sick for this long. I began thinking of my cousin who nearly died of pleural empyema and complications. I'm not saying I'm like that at all, just that it's making me think of what he must have gone through and how much worse it could be. Along those lines I realized the past ten years I've been surrounded by tragedy and death.

I've seen children lose the battle with cancer more than once, I've seen the person who matters most to me have his life decimated, I've buried my bird after 21 years, I buried my friend, I've accompanied many to funerals of their loved ones, I've seen students dealing with horrendous situations and illnesses, I've fought to save a child's life from suicide, I've seen people time and again turn their heads in the face of a child's safety, I've lost any security I had from my family, I live paycheck to paycheck and still struggle, my health is failing despite my efforts, I've fought to establish my orchestra despite the lack of support from the music department, I've seen all of my friends move away, I've suffered betrayal after betrayal, I've had to look change in the eyes and know that I would never be the same...

And yet I still find tears to shed. Should I really be that surprised my emotional state fell apart for a time? Is it any wonder my health has been affected? I always worry that I am not being hard enough on myself; not pushing myself enough, not as successful as I should be, not doing enough...it's just part of who I am. And yet...perhaps this was my body's way to force me to stop for a time. I'm not sure where I go from here.

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