秋子の心

I can't sleep despite the fact that I'm sick and exhausted. It's funny how a person internalizes the things that scare them most but hardly speak of them, while talking a great deal about the smaller matters as a distraction. I'm not sure what to call what I'm feeling...

Fear: was when I was paralyzed and could hardly make it to the car to drive to the doctor, knowing the test would tell me if I had breast cancer.

Sorrow: was the grief I felt when my friend George died just when his life was starting.

Anger: is what I felt when my brother began to live the injustices of this country.

None of those things are what I feel right now. I am a void and yet the emotions are too much for me to express. Fighting for some sense of security about my feelings I have come to some realizations.

* THIS is poverty. It has nothing to do with money. It has everything to do with the world we grow up in and what we are forced to cope with as we mature.

* No matter how many lives a teacher touches, you cannot protect students from their own lives. What is worse is that the students know this as well.

* I do not think you can understand what this is like unless you have experienced murder and gang retaliation/threats.

* This week I have learned just how important that bond between student and teacher truly is for students, and how it can pull students up from their lives even if just for a short time.

* I never dreamed I would have to make my students do something they were scared of, and pretend like everything was perfectly fine. They begged me not to return to school because they were afraid they would be shot between the bus and the building.

* Students do hear what you say, even if they pretend they don't. They also know if you are listening.

At festival today, my students did quite well given the circumstances. It wasn't our best performance, but they did a great job. While looking at them, between my own coughing fits, I noticed how tired they were compared to other groups. They weren't bored for the most part, but they are emotionally exhausted. And I realized I am as well.

The school is pulling together and the students are doing their best to cope, but as the counselor said, this is a terrorist situation. Our school is under attack and we all feel it. Knowing about it, reading about it, hearing about it pale in comparison to experiencing it. In fact I don't think there is any comparison.

Perhaps I am just too tired.

I know it's been a while and for the most part I'm having a great year. I love my job and my kids are doing great. Things are tense regarding certain employees, but it's workable. I kept meaning to get back to journaling but I've been so busy with concerts, tours, competitions, etc.

Monday afternoon, just after school was out, one of our 7th graders was shot in the head. Tuesday we made an announcement to students. He died that morning, on his 14th birthday. Wednesday we announced he had died. Obviously it has greatly affected the students. It is suspected to be gang related, but it is difficult to discern truth from rumor. We have had gang threats against us for today and tomorrow. Phone calls, letters, etc. and the cops have been investigating and talking with students. The students are afraid to come to school and so are some of the staff.

The music festivals have been this week and the orchestra was today. While waiting, my students said another school was pretending like they were shooting at them. I alerted the proper persons, but it was still difficult. My students did very well, but you can see it in their eyes that they're tired and scared. They begged me not to take them back to school--not because they didn't want to go to class, but because they didn't want to be shot.

Despite increased security, students still feel unsafe. I told them we weren't going to let anything happen to them. Their response was "what are you going to do if they have a gun miss?" As the counselor said, this is terrorism. I am very ill, but I'm going to school tomorrow to help students feel that they are safe. People have offered to listen, but I don't really know what to say...

Mentally and emotionally I'm too exhausted to think, much less cope with the situation. It's one thing to have a student die tragically...it's completely different if s/he is murdered. I really don't think you can understand what the school is like right now unless you've been through it.

I am beginning to understand that part of what happened last year was a difference in philosophy. Our goals are the same, but we are almost opposite in what we value to get there. My philosophy:

* I am unwilling to sacrifice someone's self-esteem, well-being, or the like to get the desired result.
* I motivate students by how I connect with them and trust.
* I seek to inspire students and they are my inspiration.
* Emotional attachment is not something I avoid.
* I believe there is always a positive way to say something and it is better to ask for what you want than what you do not want.
* I believe I must take students from where they are at...even if that means teaching them behavior, emotional regulation, or problem solving skills.
* I do not believe, nor am I motivated, but competition or negativity.
* I do not believe in being negative towards others just because they are adults.
* I am a humanitarian at heart and that will underline anything I do.
* I do not judge the limit of my students; they should show me...my job is to support and help them grow.
* I believe in using emotions rather than hiding them.
* I believe there is always something of value to be learned.
* I value a small select group of people's opinions, not what "important" people think.
* Success is seeing my students improve, become independent, and smile along the way; it is NOT a world-class performance.
* I believe in making my students independent and taking responsibility for their learning.
* I believe in showing compassion to everyone, including adults.

I think I finally feel somewhat organized about this year. I have left my position as a private teacher which was very difficult. I had 18 in my studio and some of them even cried the whole lesson. I felt bad because I could not prepare them for it. Once the school year started and I saw what my schedule was going to be I quickly realized having two jobs was just not a healthy option. I also do not like the teacher they were transferred to at all. I hope they will all find the right teacher who can stay with them.

Financially I got a pay increase because I have 15 graduate credit hours so it puts me above what I was making last year with two jobs. I will still have to budget and have no extra money, but I think I can do it without a second job. Also, I am being paid a small amount to take this ESL class as it is outside of the school day. I will take the PRAXIS test for ESL in November and hopefully pass. Then all I have to worry about is finishing my masters.

Most of my students are so excited and ready to play...I'm going to try very hard to encourage that the whole year. I feel a little better about this year too because not only do I have a direction in the middle school, but I can identify problems much more quickly. Yes, I think this year will be much better than last. ^_^

I think this year may turn out okay. I'm still a little hesitant to hope so, but I really feel things might start getting better and this year might be a good one.

What is up with my brain!? Three days in a row? Naturally just after I saw the Neurologist. I was actually at the toilet today at school trying not to throw up. What the hell?

Stolen from vanillacottage :

( Books Books Books! )

After filling out the list...I do wonder who came up with it...